The Vicar is in high dudgeon. Yet again. For the last two weeks, all sorts of cruel and uncaring people have used the fragility of her health (cries of “for goodness’ sake, it’s only a cough” notwithstanding) to prevent her doing fun and exciting things.
She was stroppy when she couldn’t go to the seaside, belligerent when banned from her bicycle and – most uncharacteristically – extremely annoyed about having to stay in bed all day. But today, things have really hit rock bottom. Today, the Vicar was summarily excluded from a trip to the local music shop, thereby missing out on the chance to acquire her very own Hello Kitty guitar.
Of course, the fact that the Vicar can’t actually play the guitar seems to have passed her by, along with the thirty other good arguments against her owning one of these things (e.g. it’s pink; it’s noisy; people might start thinking she’s an Evangelical…). The sad truth is, the Vicar has harboured a secret penchant for Hello Kitty stuff ever since she became the proud holder of a red Hello Kitty bus pass holder (circa 1982).
In a bid to make the Elf feel even more guilty, we did a little trawl online for Hello Kitty products, and found a surprising selection. Perhaps one of the following might be more suitable for the Vicarage, a.k.a. Saint John’s Infirmary for Bewildered and Cantankerous Clergy:
1. Hello Kitty Antibacterial Soap
2. The Hello Kitty Blood Pressure Gauge
or even (no, really)…
3. The Hello Kitty Rectal Thermometer
We found all these things on possibly one of the best and funniest blogs of all time (apart from this one, of course) – namely, Hello Kitty Hell. The poor man who writes it has a wife who is clearly obsessed beyond the point of all reason with Hello Kitty. Their house is full of Hello Kitty everything, including four different types of loo paper. Apparently, their whole toilet is wall-to-wall kitsch. At least the Vicar wouldn’t stoop to that.
Of course, like those atheists who spend all their time and energy telling us why they don’t believe in God, the writer of said blog is at least as obsessed in his hatred of all things HK as his wife is in love with it all. As a result, his blog has become the online source for information on strange and frightening Hello Kitty products, including handguns, tattoos and … er … Japanese love hotels. We (and no doubt every parishioner of Forton) now live in fear of the Vicar ever seeing this photo:
Who do you think might wear a costume like this? Those of a nervous disposition, please don’t think about it. Everyone else, click here.